Foolishness and Relief

I sit here this morning (at 3:52 am) a ball of raw nerves and skittishness. My ears are tuned in better than they ever were at this hour of night, and I feel stupid... and alone. I know one thing. If my husband were home I would be sleeping right now. I feel like I need to cry (ever felt that way before?) both from relief and release, but I don't really have the energy, nor do I really want to generate that much body heat. Still, it would probably help me fall asleep. If I weren't still sharing my bed room with Sweet Pea, I'd probably fall onto my bed in loud sobs until sleep overtook me again.

It all started less than 30 minutes ago. I was in an odd, but rather intense dream that ended in my waking. I awoke disoriented, feeling very heavy. It was one of those sleeps I don't think anyone is supposed to wake up from before passing through a lighter sleep first. I had been awakened only 2 hours earlier to Tornado's cry, uncharacteristic for him, but understandable when considering his late bed time. This time, laying awake, yet heavily relaxed in my empty bed I heard something that made me wonder if he was awake again. Ugh, I thought, this really is going to be a long night. As I lay there a moment more, summing up the energy to move, it sounded like he was jumping on the bed. I listened a few seconds more... there were none of those other sounds (playing, humming, etc) that usually include that activity, only the sound of springs being bounced on.

Finally I forced myself to a sitting position on the edge of my bed and rose to put Tornado back to bed. When I entered the hall, the noise no longer sounded like it was coming from Tornado's room, but rather the front of the house. I froze and I listened. It wasn't a normal noise, not one I'd heard before. Could someone be in my house? I wondered. I quickly made my way back to my bed--ears perched, heart praying. What do I do? I asked myself.

I lay there a long time, knowing full well that I wasn't helping anything. I lay and listened. Still the same sound, but nothing new. No footsteps, no tripping over toys or furniture left in the middle of the room, no breathing, no whispering, no rummaging through our stuff. I considered getting up to check things out (fully awake now and knowing I would be able to sleep until I knew for certain no one was there.) I thought of My Beloved's gun in the night stand drawer next to our bed. Were he home, he would have easily, and with trained hand and mind, slipped it from the drawer and made his way cautiously down the hall, announcing to any potential "intruder" that he had a gun and wasn't afraid to use it. He would then systematically turn on all the lights to be sure no one was there, look outside, check the lock and return to me in bed. He would assure me everything was fine and cuddle back up to me as we drifted back to sleep. Oh how I wished with every part of my being that he were home.

I continued to lay in silence, listening, knowing that I was in foolishness. If there were anyone in the house, laying on the bed in silence was certainly not doing anything about it. Yet I couldn't bring myself to move. I've heard little noises before and been nervous. I'm almost always a little skittish and jumpy when home alone. This was different. I was outright afraid. I could feel the terror in my body. I prayed. I don't even remember all the things I prayed. Mostly I prayed to know what to do.

I looked over at the phone a couple times. Calling My Beloved was not going to do anything (especially since he would likely never hear the vibrating phone on the night stand next to him.) If there were someone in the house, I would simply be telling him I was alone. Nope, that's not the answer. If he'd heard me moving and frozen himself, then it was just a matter of the waiting game, and truly, I wanted to be the one to win that game. I reached for the phone. My bedroom door was open, leaving only a short distance between my baby and I and the living room where anyone could be waiting. I turned on the phone, my fingers stumbling twice to find the correct numbers in the darkness. I decided that *if* there were someone in my house, it *could* benefit me for them to hear me make the call.

"911 Emergency, what township, etc. are you in?" I don't even remember exactly what they said. I've dialed those numbers before, but never for myself. Always before it was for some accident we were passing on the road... never for myself, and never in the middle of the night. I told him where I was and explained the noises. The longer we talked the more foolish I felt. I was certain that anyone hiding in silence in my living room would have fled the moment they heard me calling for help, and more certain I would have heard them leave (it's a small house remember!) They dispatched a unit to come check everything out. With every second I felt more safe... and more foolish. After a couple minutes on the phone with "911", I forced myself to get off the bed and close my door. That made me feel even better. The 911 dispatcher informed me that the police had just entered my area. I threw on a nearby sweatshirt and jeans (wishing all the while that I could have found something cooler laying about in the dark.) I saw headlights coming from down the street. Turning on my bedroom light so they could know it was this house, I waited. All the while the dispatcher kept me informed of what the police were doing, and assured me that it was ok that I called. Finally it was time... the police had to be let in. I told the dispatcher that if the door didn't look compromised, I had no reason to imagine anyone were in here. Moments later the police were knocking on my door. "Should I answer it?" I asked the guy on the phone (wanting to make sure that's what the police were expecting). He assured me I could, and after letting the police in, our call ended.

I love living in a small community. I love that I recognized the man in uniform who entered my house at 3:30 in the morning. It wasn't the friend we have on the force (that would have been really nice), but someone I'd seen around just the same. The down side is that all those guys we know in out township's police department will see the report tomorrow and know everything.

The two men weren't here long... just long enough to ask a couple questions, and, at my request walk down the hallway to peak into Tornado's room for me. The noise, it seems, was caused by the unbalanced ceiling fan in our living room. It hasn't been that way long. Just since the other day when My Beloved misjudged the distance between it and his wrist. The subsequent throbbing lasted hours, and the bruising a couple days more. Just last night, he mentioned needing to fix the wobbly fan... and now I'm wishing he had done it that moment.

It's now 4:41 and Sweet Pea is waking up. She often does this around this time of night, usually to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. I'm sure the bed side light that is on in my room isn't helping any. I suppose I should return my tired body to that bed and turn out the light. Morning is coming quickly and I will be anything but rested.

Labels: As it happens...

posted by ~Babychaser~ @ 3:52 AM