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Chasing Babies... Growing in Grace: A test of faith

Monday, September 5, 2011

A test of faith

Don't miss the background story.

June was a rough month for our family... for me.  Lyme's Disease had knocked me off my feet in the early days and had kept me there throughout.   My mother in law was here with us in those early days, then my mom was here.  They played with the kids and kept up with the house while I lay around, for nearly four weeks!.  This was the last thing I'd expected at the end of the month.

I knew right away, but it was a few days before I shared my inklings with My Beloved.  Deep down I was hoping it wasn't really true.  That with a couple more days I wouldn't have to tell him.  But deep down I knew better.  I was pregnant.  

My mom was here still, but we didn't say anything.  To anyone.  Not even each other.  It wasn't real yet if we didn't talk about it.  And maybe... maybe it wasn't real.  Maybe my antibiotics or the Lyme's Disease were causing this false alarm.  Maybe.  But we still knew better.

It was three weeks before we bought and took a test.  It came up from time to time in those days, but only briefly.  We told no one.  Still I kept thinking that until I saw that word, I could be wrong.  And I really didn't want to make that kind of announcement and be wrong.  So we waited.  And then there it was.  Clear as anything.

It was real.  I breathed a deep sigh and went back to bed.  It was real now.  We didn't say anything in church that morning.

Deep within me I struggled.  I did want more children, but not now.  Not yet.  My baby isn't yet one.  I'm still nursing.  I'm having a hard enough time with the three I have now.

Slowly over the next few weeks we told more and more people... close friends, parents, and eventually our pastor, church and email list at large.  Then you.   

But nothing really changed for me in this time... except that my "morning" sickness was getting worse and worse everyday.  I knew I wanted this baby, but at the same time, I struggled with feeling like I didn't want this baby... not right now.  To be honest with you, there were many times and many days in those weeks (month+) that I didn't want the ones I already had.  I watched my sister in law change a diaper while we were in Michigan and I horribly thought of how I didn't want to care for an infant again.  I struggled through discouragement, depression to some extent, and moments of despair.  The tiniest part of me was thrilled to get to have another little one.  The rest of me was (and sometimes still is) terrified.

How could I feel this way?  How could I hope it wasn't true?  How can I be, dare I say it, embarrassed?  Do I not think this should be God's decision?  Do I not believe that He is sovereign and trustworthy?  Do I not believe that children are a blessing of the Lord?

I smiled and accepted the congratulations as we shared our news with each new person, but inside I was cringing.  How would I do this?  I can't even handle the three I have.  How can I insert a newborn, and the schedule and sleep depravity it ensues, into this

Several ladies received our news without the thin veil that usually held back my tears.  But then I only felt ashamed at my lack of faith.  Is my God not still God of the universe?  Is He not the one who gives the grace for every moment?  Do I not trust Him with the details of my life?

I was shocked to find that, for all my talk, I didn't.

Still to come... Where I'm at now and how I got there.

(Photos:  In lieu of pics that matched my post, these are a few that make me smile.)

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At September 7, 2011 at 9:31 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so proud of will figure these emotions out. You have fantastic are wonderful parents...our Heavenly Father must agree!!!!!!


At September 7, 2011 at 10:02 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

Really enjoying reading this series of posts and I've come away with 2 things so far.

1) I am so refreshed by your honesty. When I got pregnant with #5, I struggled with some of the same things. I didn't feel ready for another baby and I was emotional and disappointed and worried and scared.

2) Be encouraged! Aside from the difficult transition from 0 children to 1 child, having three kids was the absolute hardest. Four was easier (mainly because the older ones were not toddlers anymore) and five kids was the easiest yet.

At September 9, 2011 at 7:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its good to read about another mom's feelings since I struggle with similar thoughts sometimes. I am pregnant with #3 and I am happy about that but wondering how I am going to manage as day at a time with God's grace! I just want to be done feeling sick, I thought it would be over by now, but like you, its continuing past the 1st trimester.


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