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Chasing Babies... Growing in Grace: An Annivesary of Sorts

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

An Annivesary of Sorts

A deer tick burrowing into my son's neck yesterday morning.

It was one year ago today I was diagnosed (praise the Lord) and began treatment for Lyme Disease.

That was a long week.  It all began the Friday before with high fevers and flu like symptoms.  My legs ached, my head spun... and ached.  Oh, it was a headache I'd never had before.  Then my fever hit 104.  And my head ached and spun and my body ached.

Monday came and My Beloved stayed home.  We went in to see the doctor.  Went for lab work.  I wasn't getting any better.  A lady My Beloved works with had been diagnosed with Lyme Disease the week before.  We wondered.

Tuesday morning My Beloved was staying home again.  I'd had another long night of high fevers and sweats.  Then we saw it.  The rash on my shoulder.  A second visit to the doctor to assess my rash and look at my lab results.  The diagnosis... Lyme Disease.

I began antibiotics.  It would be three more days before my fevers were gone completely.  With the knowledge that this would drag on more than just a couple more days, My Beloved called in his mom from Michigan to come take care of us so he could go back to work.

Somewhere in that week I remember laying on the couch...wondering.  I realize that we never know whether we have another day to live or not.  But that evening as I lay there, children playing around me, I truly wondered if I would wake up the next morning.  I was so sick.  I felt it.  I knew there was a chance that when I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up. 

And I had regrets.

I found my journal, laying nearby.  I flipped to an open page, and I scribbled down my heart...

"Let it be know[n] that... 

I LOVE MY Babies!

Lord, help me to live that love so they will know, and never doubt!"

If I died that night, would my sweet children know their mama loved them or would they remember only yelling and harshness?  I feared the answer.  I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else what I wondered, but I left this page open, hoping it would be found by someone and tucked away for a day when my children were older.

And I did something else.  I decided that if I did wake up the next morning, and the next... I would not leave my babies' memories to chance.  I would be careful to live that they would never doubt.

And sadly, I've failed so many times since that day.  If I were that sick again, I would be left to worry the same things.  I found this page in my journal a month or so ago and was left convicted... having forgotten about it in the throws of sickness and memory loss.  But now I'm working on it again... most days.

Lord help me do this!

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At June 6, 2012 at 8:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

This I NEEDED today...thank you for sharing......

At June 6, 2012 at 8:57 PM , Blogger ~Babychaser~ said...

I'm so glad you were encouraged!!! Hope you'll come back soon!


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